Abuser's Dictionary: 15 Passive-Aggressive Phrases that Mark a Toxic Partner
Author: Irine Aghapishvili, Specialist in Chinese Metaphysics
The idea to write an article on the topic of abusive relationships and passive-aggressive phrases came to me after the trial in Kazakhstan of Kuandyk Bishimbayev. This case shocked the public: he killed his wife Saltanat Nukenova with particular cruelty in November 2023, for which he was sentenced to 24 years of strict regime. This tragic incident made me think about the importance of recognizing the early signs of abusive behavior and how hidden manipulation and aggression can lead to dire consequences.
P.S. If you are interested in watching the video broadcast from the trial of Bishimbayev, go to my TikTok
Before moving directly to the analysis of marker phrases for a complete understanding of the topic, I would like to introduce you to the terms Gaslighting and Victimblaming, the idiomatic expression Come up you smell like roses, which is directly related to Bishimbayev’s trial. Read to the end - I will analyze this case in detail.
“Gaslighting”: The topic of abuse and manipulation is often raised in cinema. For example, the movie "Gaslighting" is about psychological abuse, where the protagonist uses deception and manipulation to make his wife question her sanity. The scene with the disappearance of the main character’s brooch became a symbol of sophisticated methods of control and suppression, and the term itself has firmly entered into everyday use, denoting the toxic partner’s intention to undermine the mental state of the victim partner, suppress him and make him dependent on himself.
"Sleeping with the Enemy": Another film, "Sleeping with the Enemy" demonstrates how a seemingly perfect relationship can hide serious problems. The main character, having escaped from her abusive husband, is trying to start a new life, but her past continues to haunt her. This film clearly shows how difficult it is sometimes to break out of the vicious circle of abuse.
“The Lincoln Lawyer”: Like the hero Louis Roulette from the film “The Lincoln Lawyer”, Bishimbayev tried to control the situation, use his charisma and influence to manipulate public opinion and the judicial system. His behavior in court, like Louis's, reflects a typical trait of manipulators: the desire to avoid responsibility for their actions at any cost. Both characters use their charm and ability to influence people to confuse the investigation and create a false impression of their innocence.
"Crying Freeman": The phrase "come up you smell like roses" has its origin in the film "Crying Freeman" (1995), based on the manga by Kazuo Koikumi. In this film, she is used as a code word to activate a hidden software mechanism that is designed to force murder. The parallel with the Bishimbayev trial is that the phrase “come up you smell like roses” can be perceived as a symbol of carefully planned manipulation and control over the situation.
These real-life and movie examples inspired me to create a dictionary of marker phrases that can help recognize passive-aggressive behavior and abusive relationships. It is important to know what words and expressions may be signs of a toxic relationship so that you can recognize the problem early and take action. Many people do not realize that they are in a toxic relationship. Initial signs of destructiveness may be barely noticeable, but over time they accumulate and begin to negatively affect the self-esteem and mental state of one of the partners.
You can find out that you are in a toxic relationship by certain marker phrases. It is important to note that conclusions should be drawn if such phrases are regularly repeated to you.
Below I provide a list of phrases that may indicate passive-aggressive behavior towards a partner. Perhaps you encounter them or use them yourself during conflicts. In any case, such behavior is unacceptable!
1.You overreact to everything
This phrase performs two functions at once. First of all, her partner’s feelings are devalued, which forces him to close himself off and hide his emotions. In addition, such a phrase can become a marker of gaslighting. At this moment, the toxic partner strives with all his might to change your perception of reality and make you doubt the reliability of your own thoughts and feelings.
2. I’m not enough for you?
This phrase can be heard in response to an offer to spend time with friends or to diversify your leisure time in other ways. In addition, a toxic partner can use these words to limit your promises with friends and relatives. The main goal of the manipulator is to leave you without support among those around you, as if obscuring the whole world. This is an unhealthy manifestation that is worth paying attention to.
3. I do this because I love you
Toxic partners like to justify their destructive behavior using the feelings they claim to have for you. Attempts to justify oneself in this way are a common practice. And if you hear a similar phrase after your partner (conditionally) takes away the keys to your house and forbids you to go somewhere with your friends, “caring” for your safety, this is a reason to think.
4. You will be gone without me / you won’t be able to
With the help of such a phrase, your partner is trying to give you the idea that no one needs you except him and no one will look at you. If you are convinced of the veracity of these words, you will begin to get away with even the most unpleasant and dishonest actions towards you. This is exactly what the manipulator wants.
5. I don't care what you think
If your partner says this in response to your attempts to share your thoughts, then this is a very alarming bell. Everyone has the right to express their position, even if it completely contradicts the opinion of another person. It is in a healthy and constructive dispute that truth is born, therefore a relationship where you do not have the right to your opinion is a toxic relationship.
6. Everything is fine
Let me make a reservation right away: this phrase is quite normal if your partner really is all right. If, after a quarrel in which his feelings were clearly hurt, he responds this way, then this is pure manipulation, and not an attempt to hush up the conflict, as it might seem at first glance.
The fact is that with the help of such a phrase it is easy to impose a feeling of guilt on your other half and force you to think what exactly he/she did wrong. Therefore, you should try to remove it from conversations, replacing it with a detailed story about your feelings.
7. It's just a joke
If such a phrase comes after a rather offensive statement, then you should definitely rethink your relationship with your partner. It can also be considered a marker of a toxic relationship, because with its help, the partner seems to be hinting that due to low self-esteem and self-doubt, you are offended by “jokes”, while someone else would not pay attention to it.
If you simply remain silent in response to such a statement, then the cases will begin to become more frequent, and in the end everything will lead to the fact that your feelings will begin to be devalued.
8. Well, since you decided so
It would seem that there are no pitfalls in this phrase; your partner simply agrees with your decision. However, such an impression is illusory, because with the help of such wording a person manages to successfully shift the blame onto you, presenting himself as a defenseless victim, and you as a cruel and insensitive manipulator. Thus, you again find yourself hostage to guilt, motivated to come to peace, which means your toxic partner has once again emerged victorious from the quarrel.
9. How lucky are you to have me?
The desire to emphasize one’s exclusivity is a basic need of a toxic partner. Of course, it’s not bad when a person has high self-esteem, but you still shouldn’t say that to your significant other. The best option would be the wording: “How lucky we are with each other.” With its help, you can emphasize not only your exclusivity, but also note how important your partner is to you.
10. Let's see
This phrase creates uncertainty and gives your partner the conditional right to decide your fate. If, in response to almost all of your suggestions to go somewhere or do something, you receive a similar answer, this is a “red flag”. Such a response allows you to manipulate another person by controlling his expectations. Therefore, try to demand a clear answer if circumstances allow it to be given.
11. My ex...
Any attempts to compare your current passion with your ex-girlfriend is a sign of a toxic relationship. First of all, I would like to note that each person is unique, therefore comparing anyone with anyone is incorrect. However, this situation can become a catalyst for mistrust, jealousy and decreased self-esteem in a romantic relationship.
12. You always / You never...
A toxic partner may strive to generalize and absolute any of your actions that he considers wrong. For example, you didn’t cook dinner one night, and he says: “You never cook or take care of me.” And this is provided that on other days you always did everything without a single complaint. This is how your partner manages to undermine your self-confidence.
13. Who will want you?
Another toxic phrase that belittles your dignity and elevates the manipulator to the status of a savior who “picked up” you and was able to love you, although no one had been able to do something like that before. This is how a toxic partner manages to make you unnecessary and unattractive, thereby forever chaining you to himself.
14. If you loved me, you would do this
Trying to control another person's behavior by putting pressure on their feelings is a form of toxicity that has no place in a stable and healthy relationship. Everyone has the right not to agree to an action that disgusts them, and the desire to put pressure on a partner using loud phrases about the lack of love is usually found exclusively in toxic relationships.
15. You don't arouse me
Sexual rejection is considered one of the most painful. And your partner’s phrase that he has lost attraction to you is a sure sign of an unhealthy relationship that needs to be put to rest. The manipulator tries to do everything to make you feel unattractive and guilty that he is not interested in intimacy with you.
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